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Mel-o-dy 107 (A), March 1963
b/w Peaceful
(Written by Bert Haney)
Well, this is all very unfair. Here I am, ready to celebrate finally reaching the end of a seemingly never-ending parade of sub-par jazz records, only for Motown’s first release of March 1963 to somehow, somehow, turn out to be even less fun. Come back, George Bohanon, all is forgiven.
Motown’s little-loved Mel-o-dy Records imprint, by now run from Dallas by Al Klein, would go down in history as the company’s ill-fated foray into the country & western market, and the thirteen country singles which follow this one certainly bear out that reputation. However, before we get into any of that, Klein’s first idea for the newly repositioned label seems to have been a vision of some sort of outlet for feeble political comedy records. Firstly, there was the Chuck-a-Lucks’ ghastly Sugar Cane Curtain, a badly misjudged Latin pastiche; and now, there’s this… this… I don’t even know what you’d call this.
Well, I do, I suppose; technically, it’s a “break-in” record (although “abomination”, “crime against nature”, these are equally good labels). This was a weird Fifties and Sixties phenomenon, involving lots of snippets of other hit records (the extracts being short enough to avoid beady-eyed copyright attorneys), laced into an unrelated narrative for comic effect. The standard format is for a straight man (and it nearly always is a man) to deliver his lines, well, straight, posing a series of questions to which the samples form the answers. The “humour”, and I use that term loosely, is derived either from the lyrics quoted being unusually appropriate, or bizarrely (or rudely) incongruous.
Motown had only tried the trick once before – Popcorn and the Mohawks’ interminable Custer’s Last Man, which had featured the extracts being sung anew rather than sampled – but this is roughly a thousand times worse than that. Not only is the incredibly weak “comedy” just deeply, deeply unfunny (although the audible live audience this seems to have been performed for are practically wetting themselves – you can hear them positively splitting their sides after each limp, nonsensical “zinger”), but Haney and Armstrong, a pair of irritating white radio comedians, spend the entire record doing genuinely awful fifth-rate impressions of John F. Kennedy and Nikita Khrushchev respectively, adding an atrocious extra layer of unfunny jokes on top of what was an unfunny joke to begin with.
The concept, such as it is, is an off-the-record meeting between Kennedy and Khrushchev taking place in the Kremlin. The only time it ever comes close to raising a smile comes right at the very end, when the two narrators ask Mrs Khrushchev who she finds more attractive than John F. Kennedy, and her response comes via a spliced-in clip of Marcie Blane’s Bobby’s Girl. How much you will enjoy this record can be accurately gauged by whether you’re physically rolling around on the floor right now having read that. Certainly the live audience react as though they’ve just heard the single funniest thing ever said by human beings, literally screaming with laughter; I’m guessing jokes were in very short supply in early 1963 thanks to some kind of national shortage, and people just had to take what they could get. If I could bring myself to do the research properly, I’d go through the whole record and identify what all the samples are, one by one… but my heart’s just not in it. Just take it from me, it’s a disaster, a monstrosity; call it what you will; I’m calling it the worst single Motown ever released.
Strong words, I know. After all, that particular bar has been set at a spectacularly low standard by a whole raft of Motown stinkers already covered (Mickey Woods’ casually racist They Rode Through The Valley, for instance, or the Contours’ howlingly tuneless Funny, or Joel Sebastian’s deeply confusing Angel In Blue, or Eugene Remus’ ear-bashingly cacophonous Hold Me Tight (that’s the one which, apparently, you all don’t think is as bad as I make it out to be – but you’re all wrong), and that’s without even considering the likes of outside contenders like the Supremes’ horrible (He’s) Seventeen). But, and here’s the thing, I feel completely justified in saying that while those are all abysmal records, none of them are as bad as this one.
Oh, enough vitriol. Instead, here’s a true story for you.
You know how sometimes, for comedy effect, a reviewer will casually trash a record by saying “listening to this is worse than having your teeth pulled”, or something? (I know I made a similar point, about cats howling in an alley, when discussing the aforementioned Funny).
Well. A few months ago, I had to go and have a root canal treatment done. This involved your correspondent spending just over three hours in the dentist’s chair, first being stuck with some scarily large needles, and then trying to lay completely motionless, mouth aching as I tried to keep it held open, not daring to move my tongue or to swallow; just sitting there, feeling the buzzing of the drill as the juddering, piercing vibrations ran along my jaw.
Despite being a grown man, I’m absolutely terrified of the dentist (oh, shut up, everyone’s scared of something, and this is mine), and I only agreed to undergo all of this on the condition that I could keep my eyes firmly shut, and have my iPod plugged into my ears to block out all external sounds. I had it on shuffle; I have over 30,000 songs on there, and so shuffle is always a bit of a random grab-bag, but I always enjoy the Russian roulette aspects of not knowing what’s going to come up next, and revisiting old records I haven’t listened to in a while, and playing “guess that tune” with stuff I’ve forgotten. Battery charged, I set it going, put it in my pocket, closed my eyes, and off we went. It was just the sort of distraction I needed, and it was really helping me no end as we grimly poked, prodded and drilled our way into the third hour of treatment.
And then, out of nowhere, up came The Interview (Summit Chanted Meeting) from The Complete Motown Singles: Volume 3, and I couldn’t skip it, or take the earphones out, or indeed make the slightest move at all. The only thing I could do was wait it out. Forced to listen, helplessly, as Haney and Armstrong went through their excruciating paces, doing their stupid voices and making their stupid non-jokes, and hearing the stupid audience yukking it up. I found myself thinking about the dental operation going on in my mouth, to try and take my mind off this record. And I thought to myself: I would honestly, cross my heart, prefer to be hearing the drill right now.
It’s official: this record is scientifically proven to be less fun than root canal surgery, and I never, ever want to hear it ever again.
MOTOWN JUNKIES VERDICT
(I’ve had MY say, now it’s your turn. Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment, or click the thumbs at the bottom there. Dissent is encouraged!)
You’re reading Motown Junkies, an attempt to review every Motown A- and B-side ever released. Click on the “previous” and “next” buttons below to go back and forth through the catalogue, or visit the Master Index for a full list of reviews so far.
(Or maybe you’re only interested in Haney and Armstrong? Perhaps out of morbid curiosity? Click for more.)
Paula Greer “Falling In Love With Love” |
Bert “Jack” Haney & Brice “Nikiter” Armstrong “Peaceful” |
Dave L said:
Oh, you poor baby. I believe every word. If you were here now, I’d offer you a stiff drink and all the comfort food in the house.
Thank you on behalf of all of us for not shirking your duty. Now, stay away from this dangerous record and don’t ever listen to it again. We don’t need you getting suicidal thoughts just as we’re pulling up to the glory years.
🙂
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144man said:
It’s a relief that Motown only ever released one more break-in record [Captain Zap]…will the mystery of exactly who it was that produced it “in their spare time” ever be solved?
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The Nixon Administration said:
Quite a long time before we get to that one (or two, I guess), at this rate – thankfully, I have to say! Although those Captain Zap records are… Well, I’m not going to say “favourite”, but they’re the Motown break-in records I find least irritating. High praise.
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nikatnyte said:
I recall listening to this atrocity on the Complete Motown Singles set and being similarly underwhelmed. But I could never have described my revulsion as vividly as you did. And I simply cannot even imagine listening to this while undergoing root canal. My God.
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Marie said:
I’m sorry, I know this might be getting tiresome, but I have to say it again. Your writing and insights are so impressive – the reviews (even this one) are a joy to read! (I’m quite envious.)
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The Nixon Administration said:
Thanks Marie, I really appreciate it. Glad people are enjoying!
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Rob Anderson said:
Best review ever. I can’t stop laughing.
When I first heard this on TCMS, I was completely baffled. How the hell did this ever get released? I made sure I deleted this from my iPod so I never have the same situation you had.
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The Nixon Administration said:
Thanks Rob – glad people are enjoying my suffering 😉 even as it was happening, I did think “well, that’s the review sorted at least!”, so it wasn’t all in vain…
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Robb Klein said:
I’ve never had the displeasure of hearing it. I have been an R&B/Blues/Jazz/gospel?Soul music/record collector since 1953. I’ve looked through literally millions of 1950s and 1960s 45 RPM records. I’ve NEVER seen a copy of that record in a shop. I know some few boxes of store stock of that issue were pressed up, but I doubt that many even got to distributors, let alone to shops. Saying that record was “released” is probably a misnomer. Klein may have tried to get a few DJs in Dallas to play it, with no luck. I never even saw it in the cut-out bins in Chicago, Detroit, Milwaukee, St. Louis, Toronto, Cleveland, Los Angeles, SF Bay area, Seattle, Portland, Buffalo, Pittsburgh, Denver, Cincinnati, Louisville record shops or in thrift and junk shops in those cities. I DID see one copy each of this record in The Motown Record File and Jobete Music Record File. And I DID start to play them, but pulled them off the turntable after a few seconds. Yet, I suspect that Klein’s other “stepchildren”, “Randy The Newspaper Boy” and “Happy Ghoultide” (VIP) (which I have had the displeasure of hearing all the way through) are just as terrible, if not a bit worse!
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The Nixon Administration said:
Thanks Robb, as always! Without checking, I believe “Ray Oddis” is actually a composite of these two comic legends (Haney wrote the songs and Armstrong performed the role of “Ray” IIRC), which only compounds the misery… But that’s a story for another day.
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Ed Pauli said:
Obviously, no one here has heard Jud Strunk’s BIGGEST PARAKEETS IN TOWN from 1975. on the rechristened Melodyland label. That one could actually get a zero.
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The Nixon Administration said:
Oh, that’s pretty darned bad, don’t get me wrong (it’s essentially Jud stretching an incredibly weak double entendre* for what feels like eight mirthless minutes whilst doing a feeble George Formby impersonation)… but it is at least a song, albeit a terrible one. This, on the other hand, is just horrific.
* (The amusing thing, of course, is that he could almost be talking about her breasts.)
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Bert (Jack) Haney said:
Thisis Bert (Jack) Haney:
I’m now 84 years old and am sitting herere crying my eyes out.
How could you be os cruel to an old man.
Brice (Notruce) and I had fun making the silly record.
It was never supposed to go GOLD.
“Happy Ghoultide” was also fun.
Hope you find a way to have fun other than beating up a poor old man who only has a few years left here on this earth.
Bert
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The Nixon Administration said:
On the off-chance that this is the real Bert, rather than someone trolling, I’d like to make a few points in response.
This entire blog, as it says at numerous points on every page, is just my own personal opinion. Some records I love, some records I hate, I calls ’em as I sees ’em; people are free to disagree and dissent is encouraged (as, again, it says on every last page.)
Some records will get bad reviews. What does that matter? Usually, people don’t agree with me, but even if they do, well… so what? You made a record, a Motown record at that, which is now in thousands of homes being listened to fifty years after the fact – and I’m just some idiot on the Internet. That I didn’t like your record (and I didn’t, and I’m not going to start pretending otherwise because someone’s feelings were hurt) is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.
Many of the people who made the records I’m talking about on this blog are old now, if indeed they’re still with us. The only way to make this blog work at all, without it degenerating into a meaningless soup of platitudes, is to start with some basic assumptions. Cutting a record is like any other form of publishing. You put yourself out there to make something people will want to hear, or read, or see, or whatever – and in doing so, you run the risk of cloth-eared critics saying unkind things. To me, these records, *all* of these records, have to be treated as fair game – so long as it’s always made clear people can disagree, and I agree to publish that disagreement exactly as widely as my own initial opinion, so that the one is never read without the other.
I’m not saying that gives me licence to be a jackass, I’m simply saying that if you do something creative (records, plays, movies, paintings, books, articles, and even of course writing a blog about records), you’ve always got to be prepared for other people to express an opinion on it, and that opinion won’t always be to your liking. You have two avenues of redress: (a) disagree and get it off your chest (which you’ve done – and I’m always happy to facilitate that disagreement, and I’m quite happy to let it stand, even the insult about taking pleasure “beating up a poor old man” which was totally uncalled for), and (b) remember it doesn’t matter what some random nobody (i.e. me) says – you made a RECORD, which is more than most people ever do, and which is now preserved forever for people to make their own minds up.
I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt; that’s never the intention. But equally I’ll never pull any punches out of regard for what a record’s creator might think if they happen to stumble across one of my reviews; I’ve always got to be honest, or this becomes a huge waste of everyone’s time.
—
On a separate and almost totally unrelated note: I don’t quite understand your fourth line, but you seem to be saying that “Nikiter” Armstrong’s name was Brice rather than Bruce – is that right? Do let me know and I’ll amend the piece accordingly.
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Bert (Jack) Haney said:
Yes, my dear friend… his name is BRICE… Look on the Duchess record of Happy Ghoul Tide… his full name is spelled out.
I actually have a framed copy of “The Interview” hanging on my wall… along with 8 other records I recorded (none of them hits) (How about none of them sold hardly any copies).
I was just joshing you earlier. I have been slammed all my life with things I have written… and nothing bothers me any more (hardly)… not even your nasty, ugly, hateful comments.
See… I’m messing with you again.
By the way…. you wouldn’t happen to know anyone who would be interested in producing a “Country Musical” would you?
I have one, “Possum” that even you would applaud.
Brice would appreciate you correcting his name.
Thanks,
Bert
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The Nixon Administration said:
Thanks for the response, it’s good to know I haven’t actually managed to reduce anyone to tears! I’ve amended “Bruce” to “Brice” throughout. I wonder if it’s this Brice Armstrong? The locales and dates all add up. If so, I’m impressed – that information on his post-Motown career would definitely be worth adding to the above article, if you can confirm it’s the same person.
Mr Haney, there’s another page out there – http://www.kfjzreunion.com/kfjzlist.htm> – that was looking for an e-mail address for you at some point.
Re: “Possum” – Unfortunately I’m in Wales, where I doubt anyone is interested in producing a country anything, but good luck!
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Robert Klein said:
Now we see what can happen when people Google their own name! I hope that Wade Jones, Eugene Remus, Rex Robertson and a bunch of others do the same. I also look forward to Cornell Blakely’s forthcoming comments to you.
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The Nixon Administration said:
Sadly, Eugene Remus’ granddaughter has been in touch to say he passed many years ago.
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Bert (Jack) Haney said:
Yes, that is one in the same “Brice”.
Not only is he super talented and funny, he is one very nice humanbeing.
Brice did very well with his life.
The best I could do was end up as news anchor with WPIX in New York.
Oh yes, we also made a full album together… a take-off on the Beverly Hillbillies.
It was so bad I don’t think it was ever pressed, but we sure had fun doing it.
Take care.
Bert
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Abbott Cooper said:
Being a news anchor at one of the few TV stations in New York City is a big deal. Congratulations on that.
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Robb Klein said:
Yes it is. Bert is a talented man. He’s also got a great sense of humour, and is truly a funny guy. Anyone attempting to judge his sense of humour based only on his Mel-O-dy novelty cuts, is bound to misjudge him.
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bert haney said:
Bless you my Son.So few nice things said about me through this long but wonderful life. Thanks, Bert
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Robb Klein said:
You are very welcome, Bert. But am I really young enough to be your son? Ha! Ha! You would have had to be a very advanced young man for THAT to have happened!
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Abbott Cooper said:
How did I, the instigator and defender of Bert’s honorable past, get eliminated from this friendly exchange?
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Robb Klein said:
Sorry Abbott. Bert was then probably thanking YOU, and referring to you as “my son”. And given that he is in his eighties, you probably are young enough to be his son. That makes more sense, as he knows I’m an old geezer.
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Abbott Cooper said:
I was joking, of course, but I must reveal that I’m in my 70th year and have been a Motown Junky for 58 of them. At least now I have a spectacular site to enjoy reading and learning about my favorite music with others of my ilk. Can’t wait for Steve to carry on with Song #689.
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Robb Klein said:
So, we are the same age (end of the war babies). And we’ve been fans of Motown since their start in 1959. Yes. This is a great website.
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Graham Betts said:
Because of your review, I deliberately sought out this track on my TCMS and can happily report that it is as bad as you stated. The B side is pleasant and sounds as though it is the Funk Brothers without any singers. However, having read your review and then Bert’s correspondence (if that is what it is called) it reminded me that we all have skeletons in our cupboard. Having written numerous books, each and every one of which deserved to be a fixture on the New York Times bestseller list (okay, maybe my guide to Spurs away programmes was a little too esoteric for mass consumption), you can imagine my horror to discover the only single I ever produced, for Pye in 1980 if I recall, is on You Tube! Fortunately, it is not under my own name (and it’s not about caravans!), and I’m not going to tell you what it is, although if interest in it grows, I have a box of 25 copies still sitting in my loft that I can put on ebay! The point is (if I have a point), is that even the worst records of all time involved someone giving up their time in order to write, produce and record. Some were worth it, some weren’t; it’s just that Bert and I made some that weren’t!
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John Lester said:
I found it interesting to learn that “Happy Ghoul Tude” was released more than once. Would you know why there is a version on Duchess and, also, VIP? Are they the same recording? A google search suggests the Duchess 45 predates the VIP 45 by some 2 years.
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Robb Klein said:
I assume that Bert Haney first recorded it in 1962, and it had limited local (New York?) success. Then, around Christmas 1964, when Motown wanted to release “Randy The Newspaper Boy”, they didn’t have another novelty cut by Ray Otis to throw onto the flip, so Haney (the major artist of Al Klein’s “Motown Novelty Department”) volunteered his previous recording, which cost Motown much less than making a new recording, and gave Haney additional exposure, and potential for songwriting royalties. I assume that the identical Duchess recording was used on The VIP record, rather than a Motown re-recording.
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Robb Klein said:
Sorry, I meant Brice Armstrong (Haney’s partner on the Mel-O-dy novelty release), recorded the original 1962 cut.
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bert haney said:
Hey Robb!How’s it hangin’?This is Bert Haney. Yes, I’m still alive. 87 is the count.Are you related to AL?If so I thought you’d get a grin out of hearing the last record we did together. A record he didn’t press (I don’t think) but should have.It would have a big hit.Anyway….. here ’tis. “Billy You Bad Boy”
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Robb Klein said:
Hi Bert! Nice to know you were kidding about being offended by the panning of your break-in song. I doubt that I’m related to Al. Klein is a VERY common name. It means “little” in Dutch and German. The Amsterdam telephone book has lots of pages of Kleins. I’m a Dutch Canadian. I don’t know Al’s heritage, but it’s unlikely that we are closely related enough to be related under the law. All us humans were descended from one woman in Africa about 80,000 years ago, according to DNA testing. I’d like to hear the Christmas flip side of that Sussex record, but can’t find it anywhere on The Internet. I have to admit that despite ending up with about 40,000 45s, and a few thousand LPs, I never bought any “novelty” – comedy records (unless they sounded good to my ears, like “People From Another World” by The Jive Five”, or The Robins’ early ’50s R&B/Jump Blues “story cuts”, like “Riot In Cell Block 9″. ,”Framed”, and “Smokey Joe’s Cafe”. I absolutely HATED break-in songs, and also “Happy Ghoul Tide”. No offence intended. Just a matter of personal taste.
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Robb Klein said:
Bert, as none of us here have contact with Al Klein, and the record wasn’t released, we have no way of hearing it. Was it produced for Motown? I didn’t see it when I perused The Motown Vaults for our “From The Vaults” project, when I worked for Motown from 1974-1980. But then, I wasn’t looking for novelty cuts, and so would have ignored it in any case. Do you have a tape of “Billy You Bad Boy”, that you could digitise and upload to You-Tube?
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bert haney said:
Hey Robb, I sent a copy.I’ll try again and if it doen’t get to you… send me a simple email and I’ll send it again to that address.Good luck. Bert
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Robb Klein said:
Hi Bert,
I haven’t received any e-mails from you. But. how would you have gotten my e-mail address? Through Stephane? I guess I should ask him for your e-mail address.
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Derek said:
I haven’t laughed so much in ages as I did reading this thread.
Bert, you’re a star. I salute you!
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Kevin Moore said:
There are so many flavors of 1/10: bad execution of a good genre; good execution of a bad genre; good execution of a good genre that doesn’t fit with Motown; a good performance of a good genre that came several years after said genre became passé; and finally, a horrible offensive mess in every way shape and form.
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Bert Haney said:
Hey Kevin….how many songs have you recorded? I, Bert Haney, am a nobody with just a desire all my life to write and record and I do it for ME. All recordings can’t be a “White Christmas” but we little people who are nobiedies can do what we love to do knowing we actually do it because we love to do it and actually do it for ourselves. Do you, Kevin? Hope so for it really doesn’t matter what others trhink. Oh we would love for others to like what we create but again… we do it for ourselves. You probably are a very nice person and are seeking and doing YOUR THINGS YOU LOVE TO DO REGARDLESS WHAT OTHERS THINK.
HAVE A GREAT REST OF THE DAY,
BERT
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Slade Barker said:
I actually REMEMBER Bert Haney from his days as an anchorman on WPIX in NYC. That was a great TV station, mostly memorable for keeping the same reruns on the air for DECADES: “The Little Rascals,” “The Three Stooges,” “Popeye,” “Star Trek,” “The Twilight Zone,” “The Adventures of Superman,” “The Honeymooners.” And we loved them for it! Haney probably knew Captain Jack McCarthy & Officer Joe Bolton, childhood heroes of mine who hosted some of these shows.
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Abbott Cooper said:
The Golden Days of my TV-watching youth. That and Soupy Sales on Ch. 7 and then 5.
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Bert Haney said:
Hey Abott Cooper. Sent you an email but probably did not get the correct address. Hope this one reaches you. Just wanted to thank you for remembering my great experience with WPIX. I was terrible and only lasted there a year. Again thank you for probably being the only person in the world who remembers me at WPIX. Now a favor. I don’t have a copy of Summit Enchanting Meeting that I can get on my computer and I no longer have a 45 player, so If you happen to have a copy or someone who might be reading this might have a copy I would deeply appreciate zapping me an MP3 copu. Send to: dandbhaney@sbcglobal.net and I’ll dance at your next wedding. But hurry… in a few months I will be 89 and I’d love to hear that horrible record once more.
Thanks,
Bert Haney
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Abbott Cooper said:
Thank you, Mr. Haney, for your message, but the person with the better memory of your days at WPIX appears to be fellow junkie Slade Barker. Anyway, your message was available for all to read, so maybe someone will come up with a copy of your record. I would start with Robb Klein. I think he may own every Motown record.
While we’re on the subject, Mr. Nixon may not be a fan of cut-in records, but I certainly am. I recall several Laugh Out Loud moments from “Summit Chanted Meeting.” To me it was a hoot. I also enjoyed the DJs who featured cut-ins on their programs. The first one I recall doing it in New York City was Gene Klaven on WNEW (1130 AM) after he replaced Gene Rayburn who had moved on to a successful career as a TV game show host. Klaven ‘s antics, in partnership with straight man Dee Finch, were tremendously funny and helped me start off each morning with plenty of laughs back in the ’50s. Then , in the early ’70s, came R&B’s answer to Klaven, Al Grannam (not certain of spelling) on WLIB (1190). Al, like Klaven, had a terrific sense of humor, and his cut-ins were hilarious. I laughed my way down the highway between my full-time job and evening law school most weekdays. I wonder if Al is still with us.
I hope you get your record, Jack. In its own way, it’s a Motown one-of-a-kind creation.
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Bert Haney said:
Thanks for your reply. Just maybe someone will read this diatribe and zap me a copy of the record.
By the way…. know anyone who would like to produce a fantastic Country Musical, “Possum”? Sorry, just can’t accept the fact I can’t find anyone who is even interested in checking it out.
Ah well… again… thanks for your reply and do well with the rest of your li fe.
Bert (Jack)
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Robb Klein said:
Nice to see you comment here again, Bert. Unfortunately, I don’t have a copy of “Summit Chanted Meeting”, which I never saw, other than this scan. Had I bought it, I would have traded it away during the 1970s, as I did with “Happy Ghoul Tide”, and a few other rare Motown 45s I didn’t like. I’ll admit, that it is more clever than any of the hit “break-n “songs” of the 1950s and early 1960s. Anyone who has The official Motown CD of Singles from 1963 will be able to send you the MP3. Unfortunately, I also don’t have the cd. Posters on this website should get an MP3 of the song in an e-mail digital file from a friend of theirs who has the CD, and relay it on to Bert.
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Bert Haney said:
Hey robb, ole’friend, thanks for responding.
I guess I’ll have to go buy me a 45 player. If I can find one.
Thanks,
Bert
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The Nixon Administration said:
Oh – are you just looking for a digital copy? That I can do.
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Robb Klein said:
Hold on a bit longer. Stephane will send you an MP3 digital file by e-mail.
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Bert Haney said:
Bless you my son. Let me know when your next wedding is due. Remember, I said I’d dance at your next wedding.
I don’t care what everyone says… you’re OKAY!
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Joshua Armstrong said:
….and if Robin didn’t mention it. The Armstrong family would love copies of any MP3’s anyone may have of Brice Armstrong’s claims to shame.
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Abbott Cooper said:
I’ve heard about a couple of guys named Bialystock and Bloom who might wish to produce “Possum.”
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Bert Haney said:
Impossible to find out how to get in touch with them. Ah well, they probably wouldn’t be interested anyway, would they.
You know, what I really want is to see if anyone else thinks as I do that “Possum” is a masterpiece. Please don’t laugh. Especially where anyone can see you. If I knew how to do it I would send on this communication method the synopsis of “Possum” which would grab anyone where it feels good and a couple of songs to show how great the product is. Okay… I know, I know, what does this have to do with this Motown junkie thing? Well… actually there is a teenie weenie tiny little connection here since I did send one of the songs from Possum to Barry Gordy. I found a guy in Fort Worth who sounded like Nat Cole and had him record it. Barry did answer back by telling me if I had sent it to him five or ten years earlier Nat would had made a hit out of it. Oh, before I start crying about all my failures again let me mention something about “Possum”. My cousin in Austin, Texas played golf with Willie Nelson’s manager and I had my cousin get the script and songs to Willie. I of course changed the title from “Possum” to ‘Willie” and Willie said he liked it and that he had always wanted to do something on Broadway .(Get out the hankie) and this fellow in New York (Red White and Blue Productions) was going to produce it and sent Willie a check of intent and Willie said…”Done that been there” and wanted to see the whole amount (probably a million or so) in advance. He also said he would want to use some of his songs in the production which I thought was great. Anyway… That ended one more possible success in my life. Isn’t this interesting? What do you mean no. Anyway… if anybody out there sees this and would want to consider going with it or knowing someone who might be interested I would love to sent the script and CD of the songs to him or her. Life is so much fun.
Bert
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Robb Klein said:
Nobody who can do anything with a script will look at it if it isn’t from a reputable agent. Do you have an agent, Bert?
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Bert Haney said:
No, Robb. I do not have an agent.
Any thoughts?
Bert
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Robb Klein said:
Too bad you didn’t ask your cousin to ask Willie’s manager to refer you to a C&W artists/songwriter’s agency, and, perhaps a specific agent of that agency who’d want your script/music sheets sent to him. Now, with Willie having had the bad experience trying to set something up with your project, so he has a bad taste in his mouth. That closes off that avenue for you. Your contacting agencies from off the street, like a beggar, would place your chances in that giant group of “wannabees”, whose work is always rejected without even being considered.
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Abbott Cooper said:
Bert, all of your yarns are interesting to me because, thanks to your creativity, you’ve had interesting life experiences. My only regret is that I an unable to contribute to your future successes. At least I was pleased to be able to point you in the right direction toward the acquisition of your Motown record.
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Bert Haney said:
And I appreciate it Abbott.
Bert
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Robin Armstrong said:
Hello All,
This is Robin Armstrong, daughter of Brice Armstrong. Bert, Dad is alive and well and sends his “Hellos!”
As for these records. The Armstrongs couldn’t be more proud of their father. I mean, seriously! He’s not only a Motown artist, but he’s got the Very Worst Record Ever on that label!! How cool is that! Dad already has healthy geek street creds; He’s the narrator on Dragon Ball, a villain in Dragon Ball Z and even was a character on Barney for three years, now this! I promise you we’re all strutting because our dad is so cool in his badness. (And here we thought our uncle writing the worst episode of Star Trek in the entire cannon was cool. Pheh! Child’s play.)
So, yes, the record is horrid and we couldn’t be any more proud.
Cheers from
Joshua, Robin, Joseph, Matthew, Paul and Anthony.
Descendants of the best of the worst .
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Bert Haney said:
Hi, Robin. Bert Haney here. I am so glad to hear that Brice is still with us. I am 88 now and most people I had anything to do with back in the good old days are flying around up in heaven and telling me to hurry up and join them.
I tried to reach Brice but could never find him. Tell him hi for me and ask him if he remembers the terrible album we made on take-off of Beverly Hillbillies. It’s something you would not want to listen to, Robin. It’s even worse than the Summit enchanted meeting, if that’s possible. oh yes, please thank Brice for all the voice work he did for me when I bought that little radio station in Brady Texas. Lots and losts of break bits and intros. Great stuff. Wish I still had that tape.
Anyway what a wonderful surprise to hear from you and oh should you ever be as proud of your father as you are. He has more talent in his little finger (right hand) than I have in the whole of me.
If you’d give me an email address I would zap you a copy of that picture that was taken of us as we recorded the horrible record.
Best to you and all the other folks that belong to those those included at the top.
Hope this reaches you. Don’t know how to manage these things.
Bert
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Abbott Cooper said:
I’m really enjoying this. Who knew that my brief response, to a comment by Mr. Barker, answered by Bert Haney, could possibly result in the reunion of “Jack” and “Nikiter.” I am thrilled to be the unwitting intermediary in all this. Only on the Motown Junkies blog where such services are offered free of charge and with plenty of affection.
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Bert Haney said:
I’ll drink to that.
But then, I’ll drink to anything.
What has happened here proves life and people are absolutely wonderful.
Bert
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Joshua Armstrong said:
This is Joshua Armstrong. The oldest son of Brice Armstrong. My dad had over 50 quality voices on his voice tape at the height of his career. But as I’m learning, the lows he set in the recorded noise industry are even more impressive! As Robin said, “I couldn’t be more proud!”
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the burnman said:
First off, I will freely admit that I am a fan of “break-in” records. The first one that I can remember hearing is Dickie Goodman’s 1975 classic “Mr. Jaws”. I found its obnoxiousness and stupidity ingratiating. Break-in records are supposed to annoy, and the intended target is kids who revel in the rude. Kids like me, a 10-year old with a portable Panasonic transistor radio who eagerly lapped up anything the Top 40 had to offer in the way of weird and inappropriate.
Flash forward 40+ years, and I still have a soft spot for break-ins. But when I heard this recording, I was stunned by the lack of…basically, any redeeming qualities whatsoever. It’s an insult to an insulting genre. On the other hand, I must admit that the record has an innovation of sorts. It’s the only break-in I’m aware of that includes a live audience. But what exactly are they laughing at?
How this record got through the various stages of approval for release is a mystery for the ages. And knowing of Nixon’s highly critical ear, I thought “What is he going to say about THIS one???”. Well, Nix, you did not disappoint. The root canal story is a gem. I agree that the B-side is pretty decent on this one, but a reading of your review would have been even better.
P.S. Bert, if you are out there, I dissent from Nix’s opinion and quite enjoyed that Vampire Xmas side you cut elsewhere. All the best to you!
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Bert Haney said:
How very nice of you to end your scathing remarks by being so nice.
Yes, I;m still out here… what’s left of all 89 years of me…
Believe it or not I agree with you on it being a terrible record. But, gosh , Brice and I so much fun putting it together.
Thanks for being interested enough to make your ugly comment.
Bert
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Robb Klein said:
Ha! Ha! Good stuff, Bert! I think it’s quite ironic that this subtle, witty sarcasm on this comment thread is a thousand times more interesting than the break-in cut discussed here. Your bittersweet reaction to the panning of your work is priceless! And, at times, worthy of comparison to my hero, the great Groucho Marx. Being a comedy writer myself, I wonder how much fun it might have been to own a little radio station to have an ad-lib impromptu comedy show.
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Landini said:
Hi Robb & Motown Friends — I have been away for awhile. Wanted to let you friends know that I am still around! Still battling cancer but am hopeful about a new treatment I will be doing on Monday. I pray that all of my Motown friends are well! God bless all!
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Robb Klein said:
Good luck with your new treatment, Landini. We’re all pulling for you.
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Abbott Cooper said:
Going through my own little nightmare these days. Hoping your treatment is an unqualified success.
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jerome said:
I’m sorry, but I totally disagree with what I’m reading in this article. ‘The Interview’ could be the worst Motown record only if Diana Ross hadn’t made a solo career.
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Riley said:
With the number of substandard records Motown is STILL putting out at this point, its amazing they lasted as long as they did to reach their golden era. I’ve been listening to the 1959-1963 singles listed here over the past few days waiting and wondering when things will finally improve There are obviously some flashes of brilliance (the Marvelettes really are an early era highlight for me) but about 80% of the output up until now is either forgettable and mediocre or just plain bad. Some of these tracks, even by this stage, are a long way from the stuff that made Motown great.
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Robb Klein said:
It cost Motown almost nothing to “release” most of those “throwaway” records, as they had a low-cost “assembly line style” production system, and put almost no marketing push behind most of those, and also took the standard record industry production cost tax write off for each (which was a lot higher than what they actually spent. So, even given that a tax write off only recompenses the taxed entity for 15 to 33% on the Dollar (their tax rate), the standard write off being 4-5 times what they actually spent made their actual final net cost of releasing those records almost nothing. The “throwaways” that were given no marketing push, whatsoever, but just pressed up as favours to outsiders, or to placate singers or musicians, certainly cost almost nothing. The “serious” releases that failed DID cost the firm a modest amount, but that was usually absorbed when the 2 cuts were used as LP album fillers. Motown did NOT get financially hurt by having scads of non-hit releases between 1962 and 1970.
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